Friday, September 02, 2011

Best of intentions......

(Edited to add - the pc is speaking to the card reader now, so photos added!.)

I started off very well. I got out some really pretty fibre batts from the stash (from FeltStudioUK, I think) and sat and stared at them in a purposeful manner whilst thinking how I might approach spinning them and with what end in view.

I do hope you are impressed?

There not being such a huge quantity, I decided that I would divide the batts pretty much by colour and spin to knit with singles. The hope is to have sufficient for a shawlette, but if not, fingerless mitts could also be made to work (I could either knit them in garter stitch to sew up at the end, or knit in the round and enjoy the slanting stitches.) So, off I went, full of enthusiasm and hoping to have the yarn spun quite soon.

Of course, life isn't like that, is it?

Firstly, we had an enjoyable day packing up the Journals for the Online Guild, something we have been promising to do for ages and not being able to, so I was very glad to finally get a chance. Two years or so, apparently, before our turn will come round again - I wouldn't mind more often, good company, good lunch and a job well done is a fine way to spend time!

The next day we had scheduled to visit my mother, as we hadn't been over for a while what with being away. I'll come back to this.

I then had a couple of days of feeling seedy, before the Bank Holiday weekend and some more family visiting, which was all very nice but didn't leave much time for more than a little gentle knitting.

Tuesday to Thursday - ah, bliss! The DSM went off to York for a chess gathering, which should have left me lots of time for spinning, but somehow the time managed to get filled up with bookgroups and shopping and socialising - all my own fault and I had a really nice couple of days, so I shouldn't complain....

I decided, though, that on the Thursday, I should go to York to pick the DSM up, visit the friends he had been staying with, but most importantly, visit my mother again. This should give you the clue that stuff rather more personal than usual is about to follow, so, be warned.

When we had seen her the week before, I had been totally stunned by the change in her. She had moved rooms, for various reasons, and this was the first time I had been to the new one, so I was a little unsure if we had the right room or not. I didn't recognise the shrunken little woman lying in the bed - that wasn't my mother. But it was. She was asleep, and confused when we woke her, but she did know us and made valiant efforts to talk with us. We stayed a while, and then, as she was struggling to stay awake, we left. We took the opportunity to talk to the care home manager on the way out, but there wasn't much she could tell us. Nothing diagnosably wrong - my mother is just fading out. The process is accelerating, but of course, no one can have any idea about timescale.

You always know this time will come - and in my case, given the relationship with my mother, I have always known that it would be a...shall we say, very complicated time. You can't gauge your feelings, reactions in advance. And now I find I can't easily do that anyway.

But the visit on Thursday was very useful for me. Although my sister had seen her on Saturday and had felt that she was better, I felt that she had slipped a bit further away on this visit. She did know me, tried even more valiantly to talk, but after about ten minutes, fell deeply asleep again (apparently she spends most of the time like that now). I sat there, sometimes knitting, for about an hour. Sometimes, though, I was just pondering. There is a lot to process.

I will go again in a few days - it is just that bit too far to go every day, although I could go over and stay if that becomes appropriate. I don't think that she is remembering our visits, but that isn't the point.

Meanwhile, I shall knit on, and hopefully fit some spinning in as well. We are demo-ing cotton spinning up at Gibson Mill next weekend, so I need to practise that a bit. Nice, meditative stuff.

Thanks for bearing with me...........


Freyalyn said...

It will be a hard time to go through, but Pete will be a wonderful support, and you know you are doing the best you can.

We were at Gibson Mill on Monday and saw the cotton spinning advertised; we assumed it was you two even though there were no names mentioned...

Anonymous said...

Oh Carol I'm so sorry that you have to go thru this.No matter what the relationship has been she is still your mother. Please be sure to pamper yourself a lot during this so your health doesn't suffer both mental and physical. I am here if you need me, and you have a wonderful support group and especially Pete. I'll be sending white light your way.